The Worst

Four years ago, I set out on a voyage...a porktastic voyage...across the American nation. Since then, a lot has happened. I took a job in Oregon. Got a lot of dental work done and damn near earned a Masters Degree. The economy collapsed. And I was accused of not knowing anything about barbecue. By a Texan.

Well, opinions, as one of my stepmothers used to say, are like assholes. Everybody's got one and they all stink.

So, for what it's worth, here's my stinkin' opinion on the worst barbecue sandwich I ever had, and why I should've known better.

No need shaming the purveyor by name, more than to mention I was at the foot of Mt. Tabor in Portland, Oregon, and had just been turned away hungry at 2:02 from the Country Cat who stop seating lunch at 2:00 and will never see my face again. I walked down the street, saw barbecue on the menu, and went in. Like I say, I should've known better. The Four Horseman Pulled Pork sandwich was the only barbecue-related item on the menu, which tells you and should have told me they don't make their barbecue on-site, but buy it, probably in plastic pails, from God knows where. It claimed to come with cole slaw on it, which I like, and choice of hot or bourbon sauce, which I ordered on the side. I've always thought good barbecue should be good without sauce and wanted to give it a go in its primal form.

What came was a pile of pre-sauced pulled pork on a ciabatta roll and not a shred of slaw in sight. The absent slaw was easily remedied with a reminder to the server, but I knew, when I saw that pre-sauced meat, the most I could hope for was to not be hungry when I walked out the door. I realize, I truly do, it's a blessing, to not be hungry in a world where so many are. But I had hoped for more more when I sat down and ordered that day.

Sadly, pre-sauced barbecue is often assembled off-site by Cisco or some other vendor, and leans on the sauce to make up for the total lack of give-a-damn by whoever "made" it. The slaw was a tawdry attempt to fancy up a standard with chunks of green, red and yellow peppers, lettuce and other odds, ends and sweepings. The fries were good.

I walked away wiser, and that's worth something, even if I was only reminded of something I should've known. Don't order barbecue at a joint with one barbecue option. It's most likely shipped in and sorry.

Save yourself the heartache. Order the hamburger.